a little bit of fiction, poetry, artwork, and life in general


"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it is about learning to dance in the rain" (unknown)

"Without Darkness, there would be no Light" (unknown)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Tonight's Cards- Xochiquetzal & Shakti

It's been awhile since I drew some cards; I chose to use my Goddess Inspiration Oracle deck tonight and while shuffling 2 cards fell out... seems to be happening to me alot lately.

Xochiquetzal, The Flower Goddess: An Aztec Goddess aka Flower Feather, a young pretty goddess of flowers, love, pleasure, happiness, dance, crafts and beauty, and patron to artists, prostitutes, pregnant women and birth, and associated with the Moon. Her sacred flower is the yellow Marigold. Xochiquetzal is one of the most charming and joyful of the Aztec deity; her retinue consists of birds and butterflies. Her card reads: Take time to appreciate all of life's joys.

Shakti, Goddess of the Divine Energy: A Hindu Goddess, divine force, destroyer of demons and restorer of balance; she is the Mother Goddess of all, power of creativity and the universal principle of energy. Her card reads: Be filled with divine energy. Use it to move forward in your life.

I drew a third card and got Kali Ma; she has popped up a few times in my readings. I think I have posted about her before. Her card says: Allow the old to pass. Something better awaits.

So with the combination of these cards I am getting the message to count my blessings and enjoy life in the present, forget the past, open myself to the joy of the divine energy and allow myself to move forward. I am being encouraged that something new and better is in my future but I have to let go of the past.... something I still struggle with sometimes, but I'm improving :)

These cards actually reflect things that are occuring already:

For the past couple of months I have been missing my Dad, and doing alot of reflecting, mourning, and feeling very grateful for the family that I still have in this lifetime, and counting my blessings. My Mom & Sis are moving out of town as soon as they find an apartment... this will bring about more change in mine and Drew's  life and we will require some adjusting. I'm going to really miss them, but congrats to Deb for her new job... YAY! Mom will be closer to the hospitals and specialist that she needs, and Deb will be happier in the Valley. All this sure makes me think about how very special my family is to me, and what a huge blessing they are!

Money may be tight and I may struggle a bit but there are people out there that are struggling far worse than I, so I do count my blessings and I try to help others where I can. The tribe that I work for is currently gathering food for another tribe that was pretty much devastated by a fire a year or two ago; their main source of income was their saw mill but it was destroyed by that fire and the community is really hurting. Times are rough for all of us, and I have had to make some major changes to my lifestyle in order to make it each month, so I know to some extent what it's like to worry about not having food, etc so after work today I swung by the Dollar Tree and purchased items for the food drive. We were given a list of items and told to bring in at least two items per person but I wanted to do a bit more and being as I am struggling, myself, I couldn't get as much as I'd like to, but I did get 2 boxes of mac & cheese, one bag of beans, 4 cans of chili, 2 cans of mixed veggies, 2 boxes of fruit roll ups, 2 salt & pepper sets, packages of kool aide, ramen noodles, and a box of cereal. It's not a whole lot, but it's something, and hopefully with all of us pitching in we will collect a good amount of food. I sure hope so! Stories of people like this small tribe make you realize how fortunate we really are... even if we are ourselves hurting.

You know, the older I get the more I appreciate the little things in life... things that I took for granted in my younger years, and I find that I have so much more joy in living. I wonder if that is just a fact of getting older, or if something has shifted in my life... most likely both! Life may be difficult at times but the good times outweigh the bad... it used to be the other way around for me, but I've grown and changed, and with that, so has my life experience... the Law of Attraction at work :)

Now if I can just kick the old hurts and regrets and concentrate on living in the present! But I'm getting there :)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Post Thanksgiving

Drew and I drove down to Mesa Wednesday to (1) get his lap top fixed by the Geek squad and (2) have Thanksgiving dinner with my cousins. We left several hours prior to dinner because we were expecting traffic and we didn't know how long it would take to get his lap top fixed. We arrived at the Mall plenty early and it took only 45 minutes at Best Buy's Geek Squad, mostly waiting our turn. Once Drew saw a Tech it didn't take long at all, so off to Misty's house but she was still at work. With several hours to kill we checked out a local movie theater but   the only movie of interest was Breaking Dawn and Drew is not a Twilight fan so we passed on the movie, had lunch at Panda Express, then walked around the Mall for a bit before returning to Misty's; by then she was home but we were still three hours early.

Misty would not let me help with dinner so we visited with her while she buzzed around the kitchen, and visite4d with the kids as they popped in an dout. One of our cousins and his family were late due to a late appointment... you know how that goes LOL seems like holiday meals are never on time for one reason or another. Once everyone arrived we had a great dinner; it was nice to see everyone again. Afterwards Misty sent us home with a large loaf of homemade pumpkin bread.I drove us back up the hill back home while Drew slept, and once we hit town I drove to Mom's and gave her and Deb half the loaf, then drove home. As soon as we arrived I headed right to bed; I was bushed!

Friday I finally packed up all my Samhain decorations and got the tree up; today I put the Samhain decorations into storage, loaded up boxes of Christmas/Yule decorations and decorated the tree and fireplace while Drew played games on is lap top... and cussed and yelled (sigh). I thought games were suppose to be fun; how can it be fun if it pisses you off?

It's looking like Yule around here :)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Day 13 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

November 22 - Day 13 - 3 things about your belief system/faith/spiritual path that you are thankful for.

I am spiritually eclectic, a Solitary Eclectic Witch... not a Wiccan. I follow no particular path but learn from many and practice whatever feels right to me. Sometimes I call upon deity or pray to deity but other times I just cast. My Church is Nature. I love the Seasons and the Moon and I celebrate them. I believe in love, peace, acceptance and tolerance for all beliefs; I believe in Harm None, and the Threefold Law, and I believe in spell work. My Goddess/God are loving parents of us all, and the idea of  a Mother and Father makes more sense to me. There are so many things that I love about my path, but I suppose when it comes right down to it, my 3 things are:

(1) Celebrating each Season and counting my blessings at each turning of the Wheel, including giving thanks to the Lord and Lady; this is so important to me and really helps me appreciate the many blessings I have in my life.

(2) The Goddess and God

(3) The feeling of rightness and peace in my heart and my soul; I know I am on the right path.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Days 9-12 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

I fell behind on my blogs, so I am combining them into one. Shame on me, I know (tsk tsk).

November 18 - Day 9 - 3 upcoming events that you are looking forward to and are thankful for.
This one is a tough one. I'm not much of a holiday person; holidays are stressful and depressing for me, especially now with Dad gone and with money being so darn tight, but here goes nothing:

(1) Thanksgiving Dinner- this will take place on the day before Thanksgiving at my cousin Misty's house. The idea was to get as many of the remaining family together, but that didn't work out so well. Drew and me will be the only ones attending from my immediate family. I tried to get my Mom and sister to go but Misty ended up changing the dinner to Wednesday, which knocked my sister out of attending because she has to work... and being as her attendance has been so poor, she says she cannot get any time off, and Mom... well she is still recovering from her most recent bout of Congestive Heart Failure, and now has a cold or something. I'm worried about a relapse. Sooo her and Deb will be staying home. My oldest son and family will not be joining us either.... Britt has to work.

This year may be the last holiday meal we have with Misty; she is moving out of State, so I'm looking forward to spending some time with her... it's kind of of rare that we ever get together.

(2) I would say Christmas... but ugh! I dread it every year. I should be looking forward to dinner with my family but it's just not a very happy time with Dad gone and Mom in poor health and not feeling up to doing anything. Last year Mom stayed home and wasn't even interested in dinner... which by the way is a bad sign. Holidays have always been so important to her but her body is just so worn out these days. I'm going to try to  put on a happy face, count my blessings, and be grateful for what time I have left with Mom.

(3) Samhain/Halloween! It's my favorite time of year and my favorite holiday/sabbat. I still haven't packed up my decorations from this year's Samhain LOL!!!

November 19 - Day 10 - 3 teachers who touched your life that you are thankful for.

(1) I vaguely remember my 4th Grade Teacher; I loved her at the time but can no longer remember why, nor can I remember her name. (sigh)

(2) Mrs. Corn, my 6ht grade Science Teacher and Home Room. I somewhat remember her; I can see her red hair cut like a longer version of the Dorthy Hamill hair style. She had critters in her classroom; I can't remember all the animals she had, except for one... a large Python or Boa that the kids loved to hold, until one day a student holding a mouse got a little to close to the student holding the snake and all heck broke loose! The student holding the snake ended up getting bit. I didn't actually see it happen... I just heard about it after the fact. I can't even remember if she was permitted to keep the snake in her classroom or not, but anyways... she was a great teacher... I actually enjoyed learning that year, but all I can remember is that she was "cool"; she was fun, patient, and nice.

(3) Mrs. Zuber, my English Teacher in College. I have never been one for school; I always struggled to make C's, I never fit in, I was uncomfortable, it was boring, etc... I ditched most my Junior and Senior years and ended up dropping out after my First Semester of my Senior year.  Several years, two children and ex-husband later I moved to a small hick town and attended the local community college for a couple of years where it was my pleasure to have Mrs. Zuber for English I, and English II and for some reason college classes were almost a breeze and to my delight and astonishment, I was making A's and B's. English was my favorite class and Mrs. Zuber encouraged me and inspired me to be a Teacher so I began taking classes towards that goal, unfortunately I could never grasp Algebra, and ended up giving up, but I will always remember Mrs. Zuber.

November 20 - Day 11 - 3 friends who have inspired you that you are thankful for.
Like I have mentioned before... friends were never my strong suit, being as I am too shy and too uncomfortable around people; friends for me are hard to come by.

(1) Dee Ann, my best friend since we were about 12 years old and 30 something years later, she's still my BFF but now lives in another State so I haven't seen her in many years; we do stay in touch via phone, email, and facebook though. I miss her dearly and I am so thankful that she came into my life... and had the patience to put up with all my BS growing up. I just wish she lived closer! LOVE YOU DEE ANN! <3

November 21 - Day 12 - 3things in Nature that you are thankful for.

(1) The Moon! How I  L O V E  the Moon! When she is at her fullest is my favorite of her phases, but I love her crescents as well. There is just something about looking up at the sky ans seeing her shining in the darkness that is so beautiful and magickal.

(2) Autumn! I love everything about it... from the changing colors, the cooler temps, the crisp air, the smells, and the energy!

(3) The forest! The forest has always been magickal to me; it gives me a sense of peace and sanctuary. The forest heals; I seek it when I am particularly down or stressed. Sometimes I walk around, and sometimes I sit by the river... I cry, I talk, I sit in contemplation, and when I leave I'm in a better frame of mind. I feel the closest to deity there; the whispering pines, the smells, the sound of the river, the birds singing... it's comforting.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Day 8 of 15 Day of Thankfulness

November 17 - Day 8 -  3Things in your home that you are thankful for.

1. Appliances- appliances are a must, and I am not only thankful that I have them, but that they all work LOL

2. Heater- It is darn cold right now, and I am very thankful for the heater to help keep us warm. I do have a fireplace but because of my lungs I cannot have a fire, so a heater is essential during the cold months.

3. Television- although I do not have Cable TV or Dish etc, I am at least able to watch Netflix streaming and DVD's which is great for evening entertainment and family time.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Day 7 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

November 16 - Day 7 -  3 inspiring songs you are thankful for.

(1) Pink's F*ckin Perfect. When this song first came out it really spoke to me. During my first few years of life, natural father didn't want anything to do with me because I was not a boy; then as I got older I was one of those kids that never fit in and was teased by the other kids at school. I spent my recess either standing against a wall or fence, or walking around by myself, so I grew up with a very poor self esteem and have battled depression most my life... I didn't learn to love myself until my early 40's.  I'm still one of those people that doesn't quite fit in, but that's ok... I'm fine with that now. I'm a unique individual and I walk my own path. I'm a part of deity; the Goddess resides in me... I was born into this life to be the person I have become; therefore I'm perfect just the way I am. Apart from me, this song is plain empowering and I imagine it speaks to many people. I love this song!

(2) Just Stand Up sung by Beyonce, Carrie Underwood, Rihanna, Mariah, Melissa Etheridge, Mary Blige, LeAnn Rimes, Leona Lewis, Keysha, Ashanti, Sheryl Crow, Natasha Bedingfield, Fergie, and Miley. Although this song was written about the fight against Cancer, the lyrics are awesome; its message is a strong one and encourages us not to give up; the lyrics can apply to life in general, not just Cancer.

(3) The Climb by Miley Cyrus. I'm not really a Miley fan but this song has an excellent message about life. Life can be difficult, full of heartbreak, frustration, and fear but we have to keep pushing forward. Miley's song encourages us to stay strong and keep going. Life may be full of trials and set backs, but it can be beautiful too. All our life experiences help us to grow into the people we are destined to become, and although it can be quite disturbing at times, life is definitely worth living.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Day 6 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

November 15 - Day 6 - 3 things you can see right now that you are thankful for.

I am sitting in my bedroom, reclining on my bed, and using my laptop, soooo...

(1) My bed. I am thankful to have a comfortable bed to sleep on each night, covers to keep me warm, and pillows to rest my head on and cuddle with.

(2) My bedroom fan. I am thankful to have a fan in my bedroom to aid my sleeping and the electricity that enables it to work. I've had to have a fan in my bedroom since I was a child; I like the air blowing directly on me all year round, and the white noise helps lull me to sleep.

(3) My laptop. I am thankful to have a laptop, or any computer for that matter, a well as the electricity for it to work, and the internet to to go online with! I would be lost without my laptop & internet!

What a very short and... well honestly,  SHALLOW, list, but the topic did say to list 3 things that I can see right now. I cold add my clothes; I am VERY thankful to have clothes! I am also extremely thankful for my medication which is also in sight, for without my medication I would be hospitalized and on oxygen, IV, and heart monitor. Been there, done that and don't want to be in that position again, thank you very much.

If I really want to get serious... I am very thankful to even have a home with walls, roof, running water, utilities for heat, a/c, and cooking, plumbing, and equipped with separate bedrooms for myself and  my son... privacy is a blessing too! You know, I may consider myself "poor" and struggle just to live paycheck to paycheck, but honestly, I'm very lucky and I do count my blessings, believe me. Everything is so hard right now, but they could always be worse.

And my family... I remember a time when we had large Thanksgiving dinners that included my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, cousins, and my great grandma, but now our family is so small. I used to dread those big meals with all those people, the noise... it would all stress me out, but as an adult and my family getting smaller over the years... I sure would like to have those family dinners again. I have lost so many... my favorite aunt, my Dad, my grandparents, and two cousins that I grew up with; I miss them all. So I am very grateful for the family I have.

For the last couple of days I've been missing my Dad really, really bad. I think partly because it is the holiday season, and partly because I have been reflecting on the past alot lately. Whatever will I do when Mom joins him?  I dread the thought of it.

Dad has been so heavy in my mind, I thought I would pull some cards from my Angel deck, holding him in my head and asking Dad for a message; this is what I got...

I have been so worried about Mom; she is flat broke, can no longer afford her mortgage payments, can't refinance, and now has called me asking for help to pay her utilities. Medicare capped her and they stopped paying for her medications for the rest of this year... and I'm living paycheck to paycheck and barely making it. It just breaks my heart... been crying alot. Mom deserves better. So anyway, this message is much appreciated: TRUST, DIVINE TIMING, and MIRACLES thank you Dad!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Day 5 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

November 14 - Day 5 - 3 animals, past or present, that you are thankful for... 

Tigger aka Tiggy;
our sweet, loving & mild mannered manx
Tiggy is 10 years old and has arthritus in his hips, poor old man

Love this close up of Tiggy's eye... Drew took this pic :)

Marina aka Mina;
our beloved psycho kitty that is always in trouble. 
Mina is the reason I cannot have an indoor altar; she is into anything and everything!

Missy, the office cat; 
she adopted us and has become our Mascot at work.
Missy's favorite hang outs include my keyboard, the mail cubbies, and a chair at the meeting table.

Day 4 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

November 13th - Day 4 - 3 Things about your childhood you are thankful for.

This one is a tad bit difficult, only because I was not a happy child; I seemed to be hell bent on being angry at the world for no apparent reason. Looking back, I really regret the person I was back then and all the lost memories to look fondly back on; instead, I have blanks spots. I had so much to be grateful for, and so many opportunities to enjoy life and to just be happy, but as a child... I was too angry and oppositional to realize it, and to this day, I still don't understand why. According to my Mom I was born into this lifetime pissed off. Thankfully I did outgrow all that anger, well... it mostly evolved into depression which I have struggled with most my life, but that person that I was all those years ago no longer exists. It was a slow painful process but the butterfly eventually emerged from the cocoon.

So with that in mind, the first thing about my childhood that I am thankful for... my family, who loved me unconditionally even though I was a horrid child. I was blessed with an amazing family; a very close, loving, supportive family who believed strongly that family stuck together no matter what.

The second thing that I am thankful for... the family vacations, although I have very few memories of those times because I was too busy being miserable and I seem to have blocked alot of those times out, and I missed out on the family outings because I was too busy shutting them all out... MY LOSS. My Mom & Dad were awesome and tried their best to give us kids everything, including wonderful vacations and family outings, family dinners, etc that should have built wonderful memories, and would have if I wasn't so hell bent on being miserable all the time. I have many regrets about my past, and looking back... it hurts like hell and it's no one's fault but my own.

The third thing that I'm thankful for... my best friend Dee Ann, who for some crazy reason never gave up on me. She would take all the meanness I dished out and always came back for more... determined that we would be best friends no matter what, and we have stayed BFFs for most of our lives... 30 something years and counting.

I thought I would share some pics of me and my family. I wish I had photos of some of our vacations and more pics of my teen years to share, but they are packed away in Mom's stuff.

   Mom, Me (with doll), and my sister              Me (yellow) and my sister                   Me

Me and Mom on my 17th birthday at Slide Rock. 
My favorite birthday growing up.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Day 3 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

November 12 - Day 3 -  3 relatives or people from your past/present that you are thankful for.

Only three? But I have more than three LOL, okay fine...

1. Dee Ann, my best friend of 30-something years. We have been through it all, ups and downs, and even fights but our friendship and love always persevered. She moved out of state several years ago and although I haven't seen her since, we keep in touch via facebook, email, and phone. Dee Ann is a true treasure and I miss her everyday, sometimes to the point of tears.

2. My Mom :)  We may not always agree and have had some ugly moments in our past, but she is one special lady and I love her dearly. I was pure hell as a child and teenager, and a source of frustration and heartache until I reached 40 I think... that's when I finally grew up and came to terms with myself and life. Mom stuck through it all, even if she wanted to kill me at moments LOL. She is my Mother, and my friend, and now our roles have somewhat reversed and she is sometimes my source of frustration and heartache because she refuses to understand that her medication is essential and because of that, I have almost lost her several times... but she manages to always pull through, after scaring the hell out of us each time. She is hard headed, and loves her family unconditionally, she speaks her mind and doesn't believe in beating around the bush, she has a great sense of humor and loves to laugh. She's tough on the outside, but in truth she is very soft on the inside; she's a hard worker, has strong morals, great intuition, wisdom, and very protective when it comes to her family; she's a fighter and not afraid to stand her ground... and she's the best Mom ever!

3.  My youngest son Drew. I knew when he was born that he was special and he has proved it many times over the course of his life. In some ways he has always been older than his years... I don't know how to explain it; he's always had this knack of knowing things.... a wisdom and maturity, and intuition. He's a very sensitive young man, and by saying that I mean emotionally as well as spiritually. I think he is an empath as well as sensitive to the spirit realm; like me he sometimes sees spirits but although he doesn't feel them like I do he can 'feel' his surroundings and other people; he knows when something is not quite right. He also has psychic dreams occasionally, but all that is not why I am so thankful for him. We have a very close bond; he's my son, but also a friend, he is compassionate, caring, loving, and always want to make his Mom feel better... when I'm sick or having a bad day. He has the ability to help me understand things/people, and help me work out problems. He's also fun to be around and often makes me laugh. I am truly blessed to have Drew in my life, and as my son.

I also want to take a minute to recognize my sister Debbie, my oldest son Clint, my beautiful grandchildren Becca, Kaden, and Shyla, my Uncle Eddie, my cousin Misty, my friends Dannie and his wife Tina, my Dad (passed), my Aunt Jane (passed), my cousin Dusty (passed), my cousin Cliff (passed), and my beloved Grandpa and Grandma (both passed)... these individuals are very special to me and I am thankful for each of them in my life.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Day 2 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

Nov 11- Day 2- 3 Veterans that you know and are thankful for.

The only Veteran that comes to mind, is my Dad. My Dad passed away in 2006 from Lung Cancer and I miss him all the time. Dad was not my paternal father; he married my Mom when I was 10 years old, and although I was not his daughter by blood, he loved me and accepted me as his, even though I was not an easy child to love... I made it clear that I did not want a Dad, but he stuck with me no matter what and was always there for me. In fact, he later adopted me but it didn't become final until I was 18. He was my hero in so many ways and I am very thankful that he came into my life; I was blessed to have him as my Dad... couldn't have had a more perfect one.

I wish I could tell you what war her served in... I think it was the Korean War, but I do know he could speak Japanese and he was in the Air Force... not much to go on, I know, but the War was not something he spoke of, an as girls it wasn't something we were interested in growing up. I regret that because I would love to know about it now.

Dad may be the only Veteran that I can name but he is not the only Veteran I am thankful for. I am thankful for all Veterans as well as the men and women that are currently serving. They all have my thanks as well as my respect.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Day 1 of 15 days of Thankfulness

November 10th- Day 1- An Author, Artist, & Musician you are thankful for.

Hmm, picking just one author, yikes! I love to read and have many faves; how do I pick just one? ... and do I want to choose a fiction or non-fiction author?  Since I favor fiction I will choose one of my favorites from that genre...  

Laurel K. Hamilton; she has two different series that I have been reading for years and she always leaves me hungry for more.  (1) the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series, (2) the Merry Gentry series.

Anita Blake is an Animator that raises the dead for a paycheck, as well as a Vampire Executioner and U.S. Marshal working with the Regional Preternatural Investigation Team. In Anita's world not only do Vamps and Weres exist , they have citizen rights. These are sexy erotic books full of drama, crime fighting, and delicious characters. You see, Anita is the lover of the Head Vampire, Jean Claude, Master of the City, as well as Richard the Alpha of the local werewolf pack... and a few others as well.
Meredith Gentry aka Merry is a faery princess who left the Unseelie Court to become a Private Investigator; she is not-so-successfully hiding from her past and her family while solving crime with Grey's Detective Agency. Along the way Merry's Aunt assigns her bodyguards... several very yummy Unseelie bodyguards/ lovers. As Princess it is Merry's duty to produce an Heir, and if she fails not only does she lose her crown, but the penalty is death.  This is another very erotic and sexy series. Can you say, "Yum!"

Josephine Wall; Her work is amazing! The colors and details of her subjects, landscapes and dreamscapes are absolutely exquisite. I love her paintings! 

Loreena McKennitt, hands down! I love her music! She is my absolute favorite Celtic musician. Her voice is beautiful and sometimes haunting and her music includes a variety of instruments from accordion, harp, piano, cello, fiddle, lyra, and more. Loreena's music is magickal; I would love to see her in concert.

This concludes my first day of the 15 Days of Thankfulness posts. If all goes well, I will be posting a new list of thankfulness each day until Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Mom Update #5

My son and I spent the last 2 days in the Valley at the hospital with Mom. I got down there Monday afternoon and immediately had car problems (my sister's truck), took it to a friend who has a shop and he looked at it for me. He thinks its the Transfer Case and told me to leave it in 2 wheel drive and I should be fine... sure enough, I was fine. I originally had the truck on Auto because when we left town to go to the Valley it was snowing and raining off and on; luckily all that was over and done with on the way back today.

So Mom finally had the Angiogram yesterday and it came out negative... yay! She was supposed to be released yesterday evening but after waiting around until after 8 PM we were informed that her Internal Medicine Doctor wanted her to stay until today. Boy was she cranky!!

We ended up getting a hotel room for the night; neither of us slept very well and woke up earlier than we had planned. We stayed at Sleep Inn... had a hell of a time finding it at night; as it turned out, it was inside the area surrounding Superstition Springs Mall... couldn't see it from the street at all.  The rates were very reasonable $59.99 for a room with two double beds. The room was a little small and the bathroom was tiny, but  the beds were super soft and I fell in love with their pillows. I would have loved to sneak a couple of the pillows out to the vehicle LOL but I was a good guest and left them all in the hotel room when we left. They had a nice continental breakfast.... you could make your own waffle, yum! So I did just that.... never made a waffle before, and it was delicious!

With our stomachs full but still dragging butt, we returned to the hospital and played another round of the waiting game. The Doctor didn't even show up until sometime around Noon; he released her, but it took another hour or so before we were finally on our way back home with Mom sleeping in the back seat.

Mom is home with Deb; when we left they were going over her medications. I informed Deb that Mom had to fill her prescriptions at Wal-Mart form now on because they have a list of $4 prescriptions and they close at 5; I also reminded her that Mom needs to make an appointment with Dr. G tomorrow as well as Hospice.

Supposedly Hospice will assist in paying for her medications even though she is not a Hospice patient. Every little bit helps, and Mom is real concerned about not having the money to buy her meds now that Medicare has capped her for the remainder of the year. She has something like ten different medications she has to take for the Congestive Heart Failure, Diabetes, COPD, Kidney Disease, High Blood Pressure, and Artery Disease... poor Mom. I'm hoping she will return to a regular regimen and stay out of the hospital! AND I hope she realizes now that she cannot go without her medications (sigh). I love her, love her, lover her, but she is one hard headed woman!

Drew and I are back home and completely wiped out. I hope to sleep good tonight.... have to be at work in the morning, ready or not. I'm running out of Leave time :(

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Septarian Stone

This is a Septarian Stone aka Dragon Stone; I bought it in a local store while browsing... I saw it and thought it was very unusual and just had to have it. This stone is larger than the palm of my hand and has a good solid weight to it. I find it's appearance fascinating... from the yellowish crystals on the inside to the scale like appearance of the outside. 
Septarian is a result of volcanic eruptions and dead sea life that formed into mud balls (nodules) 50 to 70 million years ago. When the oceans receded the mud balls were exposed to sunlight and dried and cracked, the benzine content causing them to shrink, causing cracks inside. Decomposed shells seeped into these cracks and Calcite crystals (the center) were formed. The outer walls transformed into Aragonite (the brown line) and Limestone (the greyish rock). 

Septarian's metaphysical properties are a combination of the minerals that it contains, making it a powerful stone. It aids in communication with Mother Earth, aids in overall healing and health, and it's a good grounding tool; it relates to the Root and Solar Plexis Chakras and aids in communication with others and promotes in being heard and understood. It's healing properties include healing of the degeneration of teeth, bones and muscles; it banishes nightmares, negative energy and blocks psychic attacks, and when held promotes the feeling of peace.

Saturday, November 5, 2011


I came across this stone a couple years ago and snapped it right up. I'm in love Labradorite! It is just beautiful and I love to hold it in my hands. It's mainly green but in the light the color shifts and and you can see gold and blue... this is called labradorescense. Different stones may even include violets, oranges and reds. 
Labradorite is the gemstone for magick, it is said to awakens innate magickal powers in those that wear it or carry it and may include mental and intuitive powers, clairvoyance, telepathy, astral travel, prophecy, psychic reading, past-life recall, and communication with spirits and guides. Wearing it as a pendant it can center the wearer in constant awareness of the multiple layers of reality and enhance the sending and receiving of impulses in all varieties of magick. As earings it can enhance the wearer's hearing of spiritual messages; on the Third Eye in meditation it fascilitates visionary experiences past and present and other domains of time.

It is used for divination. It holds hues of the rainbow visible only when held in the light; this effect mirrors the ability to move through the unseen realms while purifying one's energies in the Light. It is a stone of strength and unity behind duality; it aids in penetrating the veils between worlds, and aids Light Working. It is a great stone for all of the chakras. It is a highly mystical, and protective stone.

Labradorite aids in creating a force field in your aura as a protective shield, and it is an important aid when working with Elements; it assists in invoking them as well as enabling empowerment of the Elements and ensuring they are in proper proportion within your energy. It can also assist in uncovering unconscious and subconscious belief patterns in our emotional states, help reveal mystery illnesses, show patterns that have created illness and amplify one's healing thoughts and prayers.

Did I mention it is my favorite stone? I also have a pendant but I don't wear it as often as I should; I'm not much of a jewelry wearer, but I love the pendant, its simple and square.
Mina wanted in the photo too, LOL

(info taken from The Book of Stones by Robert Simmons & Naisha Ahsian... love this book!)

Friday, November 4, 2011

Tonight's Angel Cards

Because of everything that's been happening lately, I felt the need to hear from my Angels so pulled from my Healing With Angels deck by Doreen Virtue. The first card fell out during the shuffle (which means it was a special message for me*), but the other two I drew.

(1) *Answered Prayer: the Angels are telling me that my prayers have been heard and are being answered
(2) Trust:  they are reminding me to have faith and trust in myself, and to trust the angels and deity
(3) Guardian Angel: my Guardian Angels are wanting me to know that they love me, and are reassuring me that I am never alone; they are always with me.

Mom Update #4

Drove down to the valley early this morning and sat with Mom all morning and into afternoon by the time the Doc that was doing the Angiogram came to see her and informed us that he didn't think it was necessary. She has fluid in her lungs so that is is first priority to get her lungs cleared up. He said her heart sounds good and her numbers are good, as is her color, and she's breathing much easier today. So they will keep her down there and watch her, and he will call Dr. G up here and if Dr. G still wants the Angiogram done, he will do it another day.

So I drove back home and went to bed and slept for a couple of hours, but still... I AM EXHAUSTED. Tomorrow is my sister's turn to go down.

As far as my sister's cyst... she finally got to talk to her Doc's nurse and they don't seem concerned about it at this point. The Doc doesn't think its the cause of her migraines... maybe because of the location? I don't know, but Deb feels relieved after speaking to the nurse, although... she is smoking again (sigh) she had stopped but I guess between Mom's problems and her scare with the cyst, she began again, dang it. She knows how it effects her asthma, and she was in the ER last week with breathing problems. Ugh!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Well Hell...

At 7:00 PM tonight Mom was loaded on an ambulance and on her way to the Valley to another hospital; she got quite upset and had to be medicated to calm down.  I will follow in the morning and hopefully I will be the for the Angiogram; I have no idea what time they are doing it... no set schedule as of tonight. I may not have an updated post for tomorrow, depends on what I end up doing tomorrow night... do I stay with my cousin or head back up the hill? Guess I will know when the time comes.

In the meantime Deb got her MRI results this afternoon and she is a bit freaked out. They did an MRI of her brain because of all her migraines... well she has a benign cyst in her brain. How do they know its benign with just an MRI? Anyway, that's all the information we have for the time being. They called to give her the results while she was with a client and could not ask any questions, etc. She tried to call the Doc back but never got through; she's hoping tomorrow.

Ever notice how everything has to fall apart all at the same time? Why is that?

Mom Update #3

I ended up crashing last night... just so tired. You know when this sort of thing happens it's emotionally draining and exhaust you physically as well... or at least it does me.  So as soon as I got to work this morning I called ICU and spoke to the nurse; Mom had a good night last night. They put her on a B-Pap and she was able to get some good rest... helps when you can breathe!  She wears a C-Pap at home and we told the them that... why do they wait so long after taking her off the ventilator before they decide, gee... she is panting, hmmm maybe we should put her on a B-Pap so she can breathe. (sigh). I will visit her at lunch today, and drop by after work tonight.

I'm concerned about her breathing because in the past, although her numbers were all good and her lungs sounded fine, she couldn't breathe well, as it turned out she had developed blood clots in her lungs. She's also had one in her heart... and she did stop taking her blood thinners, so that worries me; she may have developed more clots. I spoke to the nurse about this but she didn't seem concerned, just said Mom was doing much better since they gave her that B-Pap.

I never heard from my sister last night and I called her first thing this morning.... no answer. I left a voice mail; I'm getting quite concerned. She has missed so much work due to her depression, migraines, stomach problems, aches and pains, etc, etc. As it turns out she stayed home all day yesterday and slept all day... due to a migraine. Never called me back, never checked on Mom, missed work... GRRRR! She knows they are watching her real close and considering letting her go. I just want to shake her and drag her out of that bed!  If she loses her job her and Mom really will be up the creek without a paddle! They live together and they are already hurting financially... as am I, so I can't help them with that. I hate it!  Anyway, Deb actually called me back this morning; she's okay today, going to work and will check on Mom at lunch.

Granted, I have my issues too; I am not by any means, perfect either. I have battled depression my whole life but I have never done what Deb does.... just blow off work, family, everything and everyone and just go to bed. I understand depression very well, but I don't understand her behavior... at least I can manage to keep working. I may sleep my weekends away, but those are my days off and I can still manage to go grocery shopping, take care of the cats, keep my house mostly clean, stay on top of the laundry... but she lets it all go. I've had severe depression before. I have cut myself and contemplation suicide in the past. I was hospitalized for depression as a teenager. This has been a life long struggle for me but over the years I have learned to recognize the warning signs and how to fight it without medication. She has only had it as an adult, and she does not handle it well at all, which concerns me. I recognize that everyone deals with depression differently, but I can't help compare our differences and question her decisions and actions.  Shame on me, I know but she frustrates me. She refuses to see a Counselor and get help, and she desperately needs it!  When I get bad and can't shake it, I recognize I need help and I go to my Doctor and get help.

OK... as a recovering codependent I recognize that I have no control over other people. I have no control over Deb's (and Mom's) choices and actions. I have no control over if they choose to take their medication, or get medical help when needed, or continue to smoke even when they can't breathe. I can state my feelings, my opinions, and make suggestions, but after that, there is nothing I can do. I realize this, yet it frustrates me to no end ...I need to step back, I know this... but its so hard! I love them both so much and it hurts to see them like this.

I WANT A MAGICK WAND! I just want to wave a wand and make everything all better (sigh).

Shoot... just received word that they are doing a CAT Scan and may transport Mom to the Valley for an Angiogram. They want to rule out blood clots, so now apparently there is a concern. The CAT Scan will determine if they will take her down to the Valley for the Angiogram.

Mom hates those Angiograms... they scare her to death from a bad experience in the past... she almost lost her leg because they clamped her artery completely shut AND they have hurt her during the procedure a few times, so now she's scared of them. It's almost lunch... will pop in and try to see her.

Well, sometime today the hospital is transporting Mom to the Valley for the Angiogram, but most likely the procedure will be scheduled tomorrow. They are suppose to call either my sister or I and let us know when they are moving her and to where.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Mom Update #2

I stopped by and saw Mom after work today; she was sitting up in bed with 3 cups of fluid on the tray in front of her, one was coffee, some water, and another coffee cup... I think it was broth, and she had an empty jello container too; it was sure glad to see. She's talking easier and she's voicing her frustrations with Medicare, etc... definitely a sign she is feeling better. Feisty is good right now, although I was afraid she was going to get herself all worked up, which is not a good thing right now.

I didn't stay very long... I'm wiped, I really am, and I have to keep working, so I can't wear myself down; tomorrow is my Friday though so I can spend more time with her soon.  She is having some problem breathing which concerns me. They are giving her breathing treatments and have reassured her she is fine, yet she is almost panting. I don't like it. My sister should be with her right now... but she's not answering her phone... she might have it off or on vibrate and can't hear it. I'm sitting here debating what the heck to do... go back to the hospital? Drive by the house? Get some rest?

Mom Update #1

I went to work today... running out of Leave time and I need to take my son to the Valley one day next week, so today I went tot work; however I did go check on her at lunch time. They just finished taking her off the ventilator when I showed up so she was awake and talking (quietly); her throat and chest were hurting her a bit from pulling out that tube. I was told that she did have a heart attack, but a small one and there was no significant damage to her heart this time. So we chatted for a little bit before I left to grab lunch and head back to work.

Medicare capped her and stopped paying for her meds for the rest of this year, so she got frustrated and quit taking ALL of her medications... blood thinner, blood pressure, insulin, EVERYTHING, and that is what triggered this go round (sigh). You can imagine how frustrated I am!  What was she thinking! She could have died, or had a stroke, etc.... seriously, that was a R E A L L Y dumb decision on her part. I can understand her frustration but she still had some medications at home, so why didn't she keep taking those? UGH!

Love her, love her, love her, but she frustrates me... pay backs are a b#tch I suppose, but damn it, she needs to stop and think about the damage she is doing to her body every time she pulls this crap!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Samhain/Halloween Night

As it turned out, I didn't get many trick-or-treaters at my house, I had two plus my grandkids, so I have tons of candy left over LOL.  I watched a scary movie, fell asleep on the couch, picked up my son from work, and did a reading before bed... but as it turned out, there was no bedtime for me that night.

My Grandkids...

Becca, Monarch Butterfly

 Kaden, Gorilla

Shyla, Witch


I drew my circle, called the Quarters, the Lady and her Lord, and my ancestors (passed loved ones, and my Celtic ancestors) before I began shuffling. I welcomed them and asked for their protection, wisdom, and the ability to receive and understand their messages to me, then proceeded with the shuffling and cutting of the cards; I drew the following:

(1) Me: Death (Change) I am experiencing Change in my life
(2) Crossing Me: Seven of Swords (Diplomacy) I will need help to deal with a situation
(3) Present: Page of Wands (Potential) There is a spark of light in the darkness... there is hope
(4) Root of the Matter: Four of Cups (R) (Discontent) I have been fighting depression
(5) Past Influence: Four of Wands (R) (Development) this urges me to not give up, things are still developing and will be ok
(6) Future Influence: Five of Swords (Defeat) This tells me I need to accept my limitations, and to assess the situation before moving forward.
(7) My Attitude/View: Four of Swords (Rest) I have been experiencing a reprieve from the depression and life has been pretty quiet... the calm before the storm, as I see it. (of course this was before the phone call) I just blogged about this very subject a few days ago!
(8) Other's View Regarding the Situation: Sacrifice I need to accept that all things change and something has to leave my life for something else to enter.
(9) My Hopes/Fears: Four of Discs (R) (Manifestation) my refusing to let go of the past and my fear of the future keep me from moving forward.
(10) Outcome:  Nine of Swords (R) (Suffering) If things stay on this path I will experience a mental breakdown/depression... a magnitude of loss... something is going to shake my world. This card says I may need help from a counselor/therapist to help me move through it, so it may be a doozy.

What I got from this reading is changes... something that will shake my world. The first thing that came to mind was Mom; she's had major health issues for 5 years now. Notice all the Fours; every suit represented by Fours. Fours represent Change. If you read all my recent posts concerning pulling Oracle Cards, they all relate to change. I'm about to experience a major turning point in my life and according to this Reading, it's going to cause me distress.

I kid you not, within five minutes of writing the cards down in my journal, I got a phone call from my sister telling me she just called 911 on Mom, so it was off to the Emergency Room for me, where I spent the night sitting with Mom. They intubated her; the diagnosis last night was Diabetic Keto Acidosis which caused respiratory failure, but no signs of a heart attack, and her lungs looked clear. 

After returning home at 5 A.M., I slept for most the day, then went back to the hospital to check on her. At some point today her heart enzymes increased so they did an echo cardiogram and x-ray, but we won't know the results until tomorrow. I didn't stay very long with her today because I'm exhausted; she's still intubated and appears to be resting peacefully, but she is sedated; her numbers looked pretty good when I left.

So... it begins.