"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it is about learning to dance in the rain" (unknown)

"Without Darkness, there would be no Light" (unknown)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Mom Update #3

I ended up crashing last night... just so tired. You know when this sort of thing happens it's emotionally draining and exhaust you physically as well... or at least it does me.  So as soon as I got to work this morning I called ICU and spoke to the nurse; Mom had a good night last night. They put her on a B-Pap and she was able to get some good rest... helps when you can breathe!  She wears a C-Pap at home and we told the them that... why do they wait so long after taking her off the ventilator before they decide, gee... she is panting, hmmm maybe we should put her on a B-Pap so she can breathe. (sigh). I will visit her at lunch today, and drop by after work tonight.

I'm concerned about her breathing because in the past, although her numbers were all good and her lungs sounded fine, she couldn't breathe well, as it turned out she had developed blood clots in her lungs. She's also had one in her heart... and she did stop taking her blood thinners, so that worries me; she may have developed more clots. I spoke to the nurse about this but she didn't seem concerned, just said Mom was doing much better since they gave her that B-Pap.

I never heard from my sister last night and I called her first thing this morning.... no answer. I left a voice mail; I'm getting quite concerned. She has missed so much work due to her depression, migraines, stomach problems, aches and pains, etc, etc. As it turns out she stayed home all day yesterday and slept all day... due to a migraine. Never called me back, never checked on Mom, missed work... GRRRR! She knows they are watching her real close and considering letting her go. I just want to shake her and drag her out of that bed!  If she loses her job her and Mom really will be up the creek without a paddle! They live together and they are already hurting financially... as am I, so I can't help them with that. I hate it!  Anyway, Deb actually called me back this morning; she's okay today, going to work and will check on Mom at lunch.

Granted, I have my issues too; I am not by any means, perfect either. I have battled depression my whole life but I have never done what Deb does.... just blow off work, family, everything and everyone and just go to bed. I understand depression very well, but I don't understand her behavior... at least I can manage to keep working. I may sleep my weekends away, but those are my days off and I can still manage to go grocery shopping, take care of the cats, keep my house mostly clean, stay on top of the laundry... but she lets it all go. I've had severe depression before. I have cut myself and contemplation suicide in the past. I was hospitalized for depression as a teenager. This has been a life long struggle for me but over the years I have learned to recognize the warning signs and how to fight it without medication. She has only had it as an adult, and she does not handle it well at all, which concerns me. I recognize that everyone deals with depression differently, but I can't help compare our differences and question her decisions and actions.  Shame on me, I know but she frustrates me. She refuses to see a Counselor and get help, and she desperately needs it!  When I get bad and can't shake it, I recognize I need help and I go to my Doctor and get help.

OK... as a recovering codependent I recognize that I have no control over other people. I have no control over Deb's (and Mom's) choices and actions. I have no control over if they choose to take their medication, or get medical help when needed, or continue to smoke even when they can't breathe. I can state my feelings, my opinions, and make suggestions, but after that, there is nothing I can do. I realize this, yet it frustrates me to no end ...I need to step back, I know this... but its so hard! I love them both so much and it hurts to see them like this.

I WANT A MAGICK WAND! I just want to wave a wand and make everything all better (sigh).

Shoot... just received word that they are doing a CAT Scan and may transport Mom to the Valley for an Angiogram. They want to rule out blood clots, so now apparently there is a concern. The CAT Scan will determine if they will take her down to the Valley for the Angiogram.

Mom hates those Angiograms... they scare her to death from a bad experience in the past... she almost lost her leg because they clamped her artery completely shut AND they have hurt her during the procedure a few times, so now she's scared of them. It's almost lunch... will pop in and try to see her.

Well, sometime today the hospital is transporting Mom to the Valley for the Angiogram, but most likely the procedure will be scheduled tomorrow. They are suppose to call either my sister or I and let us know when they are moving her and to where.

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