Forest Enchantment

Closing my eyes, I took a deep slow breath, grateful for the fresh air, the scent of earth and pine, and the profound peace only found within the forest. As I walked, my thoughts turned to local gossip and faery lore. The townsfolk say the Fae frequent this forest, and if you are not careful, you might step into a faery ring and find yourself stuck in the faery realm, enslaved by the Seelie (or worse, Unseelie) to disappear from the human realm for hundreds of years, only to reappear in a world you no longer know.

Since childhood, I've often wondered about the existence of faeries, and sometimes even my adult musings float towards the Fae. My imagination has been watered and fed by authors such as Tolkien, Laurell K. Hamilton, Kim Harrison, as well as lore and faery tales passed down through generations; tales which depict Fae as all different shapes and sizes, some even appearing human, or using their glamour to blend in with (or seduce) humans. Charming and suspenseful tales depicting forests, just like this one. I took in the thick trees and greenery, the solitude, the dimness and shadows created by filtered light, and  I couldn't help but agree that this forest would be the perfect home, or perhaps a gateway for the Fae.

Scoffing at my thoughts, I shook my head at my silly musings. The Fae, what they look like, and whether a faery realm really exists, is all speculation and faery tales. Shaking off my foolishness, I returned to the present, and the welcoming sound of rushing water. I was delighted to find that my wandering brought me to a flowing river with a small waterfall. Walking to the edge, I admired water so clear that I could see right down to the sandy bottom. I found a nearby boulder to sit on as I appreciated the healing that water always brought me.

In silence, I watched the crawdads and minnows. I admired the graceful movement of the brilliant green moss dancing beneath the water, and I listened to the birds singing, the breeze whispering through the trees, rustling the greenery, and causing the gentle giants to creek as they swayed with the wind. I appreciated the ethereal beauty of the sun rays breaking through the forest's umbrella, creating beams of golden light. Mother Nature sure knew how to make a girl feel blessed. In gratitude, I soaked it all up, as all my troubles disappeared... and that is when I saw her.

Moving softly, drifting

like a delicate leaf

carried by a gentle breeze,

silent as a whisper

unheard

shifting with shadows

unseen

she fades away

like a distant dream

artist unknown

photographer unknown

photographer unknown

**Readers, this little tale is purely fiction, inspired by the yearnings of the forest I left behind when I moved from a small town in the mountains, to the suburbs in the desert. 

DISCLAIMER: I do not take credit for these photos. All photos and artwork were found online; no credit for the artist and photographers was given; they remain unknown.

Creating Beauty From Pain

In her recent blog post, Rommy asked her readers what our favorite way to express ourselves is.

Mine is drawing and painting. These are a few. As you can see, my art varies. I am inspired by things I see online and in nature,  and sometimes by my mood. Being as I am often struggling my way through this lifetime, I tend to strive towards creating beauty and peace... something I crave in my life, but seldom obtain. It lifts my mood to be able to create something beautiful out of pain and distress.

  

Cease & Desist

I hit me tonight that I am sick of all this doom and gloom bullshit. It's bad enough that it's constantly in my head, but to always write about it... I thought it would be cleansing to let it all out, but now I see it as more fuel for the fire. I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself for permitting my haunted thoughts to possess every waking moment.

It ends now. This chick has had enough. It's time that I return to focusing on the positive in all my mess. I can't rid myself of this festering monster if I continue to feed it.

Depression: Horror Show

Life is a horror show
with happy moments
interrupted by scary surprises
leaving you shaken and relieved
only to be slapped in the face
again and again
by a taunting clown with sharp teeth

Feeling betrayed,
frustrated and overwhelmed
your inner psyche
throws up her hands and declares
"fuck this shit"
yanking you downward
into a hellish whirlwind of doom and gloom

Able to come up for air, you
swim to safety exhausted,
laying on the rocky shore
panting, thankful its over...
Only to be fooled by an interlude of false peace,
in which respite is soon destroyed.

A monsterous spiked tentacle rises
from the depths of darkness,
grabs ahold, and flings you like the tail
in a game of Crack the Whip,
throwing you back into the whirlpool of hell,
doomed to repeat its vicious cycle
of torment

Happiness never survives...
for long
Demons and monsters await unseen
ready to pounce
like a demented horror show
that always circles back

Recipe For Disaster

Chronic reoccurring depression
Mixed with grief
Generous widespread chronic pain
Pile on multiple health issues
A splash of spontaneous frustration
2 dashes of anger, stirred well
Mix in random uncontrollable crying fits
A heap of fatigue
Large dose of Fuck This
Fold in equal portions Despair & Loneliness
Shake well and let fester

This meme... or whatever you want to call it, struck a chord on a particularly difficult day (today), but I tweaked it some, because in substituting "grief" with "depression" and adding a few extra bits, it rings even more true.

You don't get over it,
You get through it
...until you don't

It doesn't get better
It gets different
....overwhelmingly so

Everyday, just like me
depression puts on a new face
....smiling, somber, tired.... 
while slowly shattering inside

I received two more diagnoses today, nothing life threatening, mind you, but the news just hit extra hard. I think I cannot take anymore. I've come to the conclusion that I shall obstain from future medical testing, because I dont want to know any longer. Enough is enough. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. A person can only stay strong for so long before breaking, even a warrior.

Is this defeat?
Who knows.... tomorrow is a new day; maybe I'll feel better, but tonight I had to vent.

Dig Deep

One of my favorite bloggers has begun a new challenge to write about surprises that bring good things. You can find Rommy here.

I got a surprise last week, but whether or not it brings good things is still pending. I am walking the very fine line between pre-diabetes and diabetes... a one digit difference. To say that I am not thrilled to add yet another disease and/condition to my growing list, is just the tip of the iceberg.

At first, I was quite upset (to say the least) and it just added more power to this damned depression. For a little bit... I was feeling defeat, but after wallowing and silently raging, I dug deep and came out fighting some more.

Fine, I may very well be on the precipice of diabeties, but I'm going to try like hell to reverse my numbers! The fight is on, and my Muse was empowered; we wrote a poem...

When depression comes for an unwanted
extended stay and life grows ever darker
You must dig deep

When chronic health and pain
Make your days difficult to bear
You must dig deep

When restricted airways steal your breath
Making everyday tasks frustrating
You must dig deep

When you've just been diagnosed with yet
another disease (or on the cusp of)
You must dig deep

When your willing reclusive lifestyle
becomes a lonely prison
You must dig deep

When you are flat exhausted
Body, mind, and soul and you crave sleep
You must dig deep

When you think you can't deal with all of it
any longer, and you want to give up
You MUST dig deep

When life is a war
raging deep within your soul
DIG DEEP

I Am Tired

I am strong
but
I am tired
I rise each day
but
I am tired
I smile
but
I am tired
I try to stay positive
but
I am tired
I am tired of fighting depression
I am tired of fighting the chronic pain
I am tired of fighting negativity
I am tired of fighting anxiety
I am tired of fighting heartache
I am tired of fighting loneliness
I am tired of fighting to be healthy
I am tired of fighting my weight
I am tired of trying to be happy
I am tired of putting on a fake smile
I am tired of fake laughter
I am tired of trying
I am a fighter
but
I
Am
Fucking
Tired

painting by Léon Cogniet (1830)

Awaken

 Image by Artist Cameron Gray

The breeze wafting through the trees is no longer laughing;
    The warmth from the Sun is no longer giving; The dawn and dusk are no longer beckoning; The Moon and stars are no longer comforting.
Alas, Earth needs rejuvenation;
Her people need awakening.
Let us give comfort to Earth Mother
Let us be Her healers
Let us spread peace in the land
Let us send positive energies into the universe
Let us invoke love and goodness
Awaken!
It is time....
Let us be saviors of Earth
And
Of each other

**This poem was inspired by my cousin's husband, who has a special way of viewing the world around him. Thank you Bob Myers, for sharing your wisdom and inspiration.

Art: Finding Peace

My friend Magaly has issued a blog challenge: Finding Peace... a Bit at a Time to blog about whatever it is we do that nourishes us.

Mostly, I love to draw and paint. My artwork brings me peace; it gets my mind off my troubles, and permits me to create a bit of beauty in periods of darkness. It's therapeutic, perhaps even meditative.

My current work in progress: Morrigan.

The goddess was my inspiration, so naturally I titled it after her. She's gazing into the distance, perhaps using her sight to see the future and/or current events. She wears a raven headress, and painted wings upon her eyes. Ravens are in the distance, with a full moon lighting their path. The unfinished symbols are sigils that are messages to myself, and for my home:

(1) I am one with the sun, moon, and sea

(2) I learn to love myself

(3) This place is protected

Two of my other recent pieces...

"Protection"

Acrylics and copper foil

"Guardian of the Forest"

Watercolor, acrylic, and pen

Someday...

Beads of sweat accumulated, rolling down her back in salty rivlets as the merciless sun, in all its bright glory sent its heat to mock her and her physical efforts.

Winter.... where?

The sun does not slumber a wintry death in the southwest; Great Lugh remains bold and bright as ever, warm... perhaps less miserable, but mostly, always present.

She walked her unfinished maze, adding a few rocks here... realigning rocks there, squating, walking, admiring... her thoughts never staying on any particular subject long, before jumping to the next.

The pebbled dirt was still damp from day before yesterday's rain. Earth's scent filled her nostrils as she squatted down, reassembling the scattered rocks that marked the curved edges of the maze. Sharp pebbles bit into the bottoms of her bare feet, making her wince in pain.

She longed for greenery, flowers, wildlife, and the whispering of pine trees, gurgling rivers, cool breezes, and the healing of the forest... all left behind for desert, concrete, financial security and family.

The sacrifice was well worth it in some respects, but her soul feels as though it is smothered and withering. She recognizes that her life is unbalanced. She yearns for nature and spiritualty... hence the maze in her ugly backyard.

Someday she would finish her maze.

Someday she would have plants, grass, and hopefully a tree.

Someday the backyard would nourish her hungry soul.                             

Someday....

Slumbering Prison

Sleep's seduction greeted her;

Lights danced in a galaxy of stars,

Undulating, carrying her across worlds...

Mist filled forests and sapphire seas

Beguiling castles amongst rolling hills,

Enchanting adventures

Reclaimed joy, while imprisoning her mind

Art by Josephine Wall

Anyone who suffers from depression knows just how seductive sleep can be. We are so weary, body and soul, that we are physically and mentally exhausted... we crave sleep and if left alone, we will easily sleep our life away. 

In addition to just feeling worn out, we also suffer a bleak existence that mostly exhists in our mind, pulling us ever deeper into its dark abyss... a whirlpool of negativity, sucking you deeper. Depression is a slippery prison... hard to swim out of. No matter how hard you try to paddle, you are pulled down by its current.

Sleep not only gives us the rest we physically and desperately need, but it also serves as an escape from our bleak mundane life. Sleep becomes a drug, addictive, and never quite satisfying enough; we always want more.

Humbuggerish Dilema

What does one say when one's thoughts are constantly humbuggerish? You know that saying... "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"... well, I'm inclined to not say anything at all, but when one has a blog... what's the point?

I'm at the point where I want to be positive and find joy wherever, whenever possible, but it eludes me. Everything is, if anything, blah.

I started a new painting, but it has been sitting unfinished for a couple of weeks. I just dont have the motivation to finish her. I don't have the motivation to do much of anything, except sleep and gorge myself. Maybe I should just share my painting, and maybe someone or something will inspire me to continue.

This is Morrigan; she's currently in a state of limbo, unfinished and... I feel like she's missing something (other than the incomplete runes).  She's currently strictly watercolor, but that may change.

I was thinking of adding decorative details with metallic pen, and maybe some metallic or sparkly acrylic paint, but I haven't decided on what I want to do, exactly. Feel free to jump in with any ideas, tips, and or opinions... but please be kind.

Rise Up

Heavy burdens
Dragged her down
Crushing her will, a great weight
grinding bones into dust
Grief's torment overwhelmed,
Streaking her face while purging phantoms

Taunting shadows parted
Giving way to strengthening light
Drying her tears with a shuttering breath,
She rose ready for battle
Refusing to be beat

Oracle Reading: The Underworld

A transformation is occuring, that is needed so that your life can become more authentic and easier for you. This process may include a change of course, or trials and tests. Keep moving!  Life may appear bleak for a time, but it is temporary. This process is occuring to make space for which you can create something new. Let it take you where you need to go. Be patient and trust the process.

Baaad Mug

I won a free surprise coffee mug from Baaad Mugz in a raffle. It took awhile to reach me because it traveled all the way from Canada to Arizona, but it finally arrived!

It's been sitting in the postal box for a few days because the darn key (or the lock) is a bitch to work/open. I've tried leaving a note informing the carrier of the issue, but the post office has not deemed it necessary to fix the problem, so today I got smart and took pliers with me. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could turn the key with pliers (and hopefully not break the key) and guess what happened? It worked!!!

Whallah! My new mug from Baaad Mugz:

...And now you know why it's called 

Baaad Mugz **big grin**  I LOVE it!!!

Autumn Longing

Glistening raindrops cling to leaves

Decorating Autum's foliage

Trembling on dark branches

Amongst the swirling mist of dawn

Whispering secrets

Foretelling Winter's embrace 

In the southwestern portion of Arizona we are not blessed with the glorious colors that favor other portions of the United States this time of year (or even in Northern AZ). I have to make due with admiring photos of trees in stunning reds and golds on the internet, and using my imagination.

Looking at these photos, I can almost feel the chilly wetness kissing my face, the refreshing, misty wind teasing my hair,  and the smell of damp rich earth!

(big sigh of longing)

How I wish I could enjoy the gorgeous Fall foliage that graces my non-Arizonan friends days. Can we switch locations for a day?

Photo by Steve Gravano

Photo by Bjorgvin Gudmundsson

Photo by John Lehat

Dark Siren

Pale blue-green eyes
gazed through the dark haze,
haunting shadows
danced in their aqua depths

Dark siren's song wooed,
tempting her deeper

Lost in pain and loneliness
disease seeped into her being
growing,
spreading numbness
while depleting her energy

Dark siren's song lulled,
willing sleep,
silencing her reality

Determination fought back
awakening tenacity
slicing through bleakness
illuminating her purpose

Dark siren's song beckoned
tirelessly, tempting

Refusing capitulation
she rallied her inner fortitude
waging an exhausting battle,
detangling dark grasping tentacles
...a warrior was born

Dark siren smiled a challenge;
she smiled back

Challenge accepted!

Spiritual Self Care Day

I've been really struggling with this damned  depression, and I knew I had to find something to get my butt out of bed for this weekend, so when I was reminded that my local Witchy shop was having an event, I set my alarm to go. A spiritual self care day sounded like great medicine to me.

When my alarm went off this morning, I seriously thought about just staying in bed. I didn't feel like getting up or going anywhere, but I forced myself out of bed,  got ready, and left the house... feeling rather numb, and drove 30 minutes to my destination.

The owner of Tanja's was celebrating the anniversary of her shop with a day of cookies, tea, $15 card readings, $15 minute reiki sessions, pet readings, and $5/5 minute chair massage (I got 2).

Messages

My card reading made me cry, mainly because my mom came through. It was really good to hear that she's happy and surrounded by "a large group of people" which I presume is our family on the other side. How I miss her... and hurt. The pain never really goes away, but receiving her message gave me some comfort. 

The cards themselves gave me confirmation about something that I have been thinking lately... that I have wondered about myself. In short, the cards said that I help people on a spiritual level. It's good to hear that I make a difference. The cards also said my depression will pass, and that I will have the support of new female friends... recently entering life, or coming into my life soon.

The pet reading was fun. The woman gave me info about my sister's deceased cat, and our two living cats as well. She described my Tigger and my son's Mina as yin and yang, describing Tigger as a very kicked-back personality, and Mina as a mean Alpha. It made me laugh,  because she really hit the mark, there! She also said (regarding Mina) that she got a vision of a boat. I then explained to her that Mina was found in a boat when she was a kitten, and her name is actually Marina for that reason, but I call her Mina because of her personality. I thought that was a pretty cool confirmation.

Healing

The chair massage was nice. The woman found several knots around my shoulder blades and along the sides of my spine. Her hands massaged and applied direct pressure, loosening my trapezoids and relaxing my back. I wish I could have done a longer session, but the too-short mini session was relaxing and beneficial.

The reiki session.... well, I didn't feel anything,  but I tend not to feel energies. I'm uncertain if it did anything for me or not. She did say that I have a large energy field, and my chakras are spinning, but slowly. She also mentioned that in gifted but closed off.  I've been told that before... I don't know how to open myself. 

When I ask how to open myself, I get a vision of a closed door... a dark green, almost black, wooden cottage looking door, with a rounded top, and flowers hanging (or painted) above the door, surrounded by stucco walls. I'm guessing I need to visualize opening that door. I'll have to work on that.

Conclusion

Afterwards, I browsed the shop and found a Halloween Oracle deck, that I just had to have. It speaks to my dark side and my love of Halloween... depicting skulls, skeletons, graves, the moon, owls, a black cat, a cauldron, and more. By the time I left, it was 2 hours later, I felt a bit lighter. I'm  glad that I forced myself to go.

Depression is a bitch, but you can't let it win. You have to fight it... and today I did.
Tomorrow I'll fight it some more.

Keep fighting ❤

Badges of a Warrior

Scars,

Life's stories

Etched 

Into flesh

Mind and

Soul

There is no perfect beauty; no perfect flawless person. Life's trials and tribulations leave none of us unscathed.We each acquire our own wounds and scars as we stumble through life...  scars which tell our stories, and whether society sees them ugly or not, shouldn't matter. It's how we perceive our scars, that is truly important.

Scars, whether on our flesh, mind, or soul,  are marks of our courage and strength, signifying that we are stronger than what has hurt us. 

In life we have face and overcome many troubles: heartaches, physical and spiritual trials. As we fight our way through our barriers, leap over our hurdles, climb tooth and nail out of the deepest, darkest pits... not only did we survive, we adapted and grew stronger! 

We are warriors! YOU are a warrior... don't ever forget! 

Stay strong and keep fighting ❤

This is my final contribution to Beautiful Freaks Fest 2: Scars, Scars, Scars... Such Terrible Beauty. I want to give thanks to its creator, Magaly Guerrero for encouraging me to rekindle my creative pursuits.

Scarred and Proud

Twisting and turning she admired herself in the full length mirror in the women's locker room. Today was gym day and she had purchased a new swimsuit for the pool. The color reminded her of the glorious turquoise water featured in photographs of Bora Bora and the Bahamas. The aquamarine matched her blue-green eyes; the color complimented her strawberry hair and her pale, freckled flesh, and the bikini.. well, the bikini showcased her unique torso.

She didn't have a belly button like most people; she had a large, jagged pale scar that traveled the length of her torso, from her diaphragm down to her lower abdomen, completely erasing any signs of a belly button. Smooth in areas, and puckered and raised in others, her scar is a sight to behold; it is her badge of honor, marking her as a survivor of a birth defect that required immediate surgery upon her entrance into this world.

She was born with gastroschisis, a birth defect causing the abdomen wall not to form properly, allowing her intestines to seep out of her insides and grow outside of her body. She has seen the photos and the videos... they are not very pretty to look at, and actually, rather disturbing. Seeing photos of her tiny self laid out on the medical table with her glistening red intestines spilling from her stomach and onto the table was a bit alarming, if she allowed herself to dwell on it. I mean, she could have died, right? Her family called her "their miracle baby."

She caressed her marred belly, feeling the smooth bits and the puckered ragged bits, smiling softly at her bravery. Thinking back to when she was younger, and ashamed of her scar. Other kids (and some adults) thought it was ugly; it became the prefect excuse to stare, point, and to taunt her. She was too ashamed to wear bikinis, or cute midriff tops; she kept her stomach covered at all times, otherwise she would be mocked and shunned. She has been called many things in her life: freak, Frankenstein, scar-girl, gross, ugly... it used to hurt... but not anymore.

Her scar is a reminder that she is a warrior... a survivor, and strong enough to overcome anything! Sure, her survival was largely due to the medical staff, as well as the love and support of her dedicated family, but she recognized that her survival was also a thing of her own inner strength and will. She was a fighter... she still is! Her stubborn tenacity and unique beauty set her apart, in more ways than one... but she knows she has a purpose in this lifetime... her scar tells her so!

With her head held high, and a twinkle in her eyes, she walked proudly into the pool area, bare bellied... and she owned it!


**This story was created for Beautiful Freaks Fest by Magaly Guerrelo and inspired by my beautiful granddaughter who owns such a scar. She IS our miracle!