"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it is about learning to dance in the rain" (unknown)

"Without Darkness, there would be no Light" (unknown)

Monday, October 10, 2011

10/9/11 Card of the Day- Kali Ma

I'm still experiencing some weird depression and anxiety about being alone in my life... these feelings are new to me and completely different from anything depression I've had before. I've been severely missing my best friend, as well as working on my CoDA Steps... which by the way are drudging up alot of old feelings. These Steps are suppose to help you through the healing process but I'm not sure that is the case. In fact I'm wondering if they are doing just the opposite. 

My best friend moved out of State a few years ago; we have been friends since we were about 12 or 13 and she has always been a major part of my life... except during my marriage; there were several years during that time that we parted ways, because I was a fool and let my controlling husband alienate me from her, as he tried to do with my family. Since she moved, not only can I not visit her, but we rarely speak via email or facebook anymore and I am really feeling her absence in my life.

I am currently on Step 10 in CoDA, so I'm almost done working the Steps as it is... there are only 12. The lessons are definitely making me think, not only of the painful past, but also about my feelings, why I feel the way I do, how I react, my options, my faith, etc... but man, some of them have been rough; it's bringing up old guilt, and old heartache. This is suppose to help me get over the past, heal and move forward, but it's like picking the scabs off my wounds causing myself to bleed all over again.

With all that being said, I'm not sure what to think about this state of mind that I'm in... so I pulled a card and got Kali Ma. Kali Ma is the Dark Mother, a Hindu Goddess of destruction, construction and renewal. Although she is often feared, she is also one of the most loving and kind of the Hindu goddesses; she is the goddess of time and change. 

Her card says: 

"Allow the old to pass. Something better awaits"

She reminds me that something must be left behind in order for something new to enter my life... but what is Kali Ma urging me to let go of? Am I suppose to let go of the Steps because they are raising old crap, or am I suppose to let my best friend go because she has gone on with her life?  Maybe both?  ... I don't know. She will ALWAYS be my BFF though, no matter the distance; she is always in my mind and heart, so I doubt it's letting go of her.What would be the purpose? She is already physically gone from my life and has been for some time. I miss her so much!

Kali Ma also represents fear when humans resist change, and when we embrace it she represents opportunity and expansion.  Which come to think about it... I am feeling some fear about my Mom & Sis moving out of town for a few different reasons [1] my vehicle is not trustworthy for travelling and I will not be able to get to them should something go wrong (Mom has very poor health and has been in and out of hospitals for several years now; we have almost lost her many times) [2] they will no longer be here, leaving me totally separated from my family (except for my kids) [3] I'm going to miss them [4] I won't have them for back up anymore. So yes, I'm having some fear and anxiety regarding the situation. Maybe this is what Kali Ma is representing... she wants me to stop resisting this change and get on with my life as an independent woman. There is definitely some growth to be experienced if I can just go with the flow. 

These things are out of my hands anyway.. I have no control over them, so why let myself get all worked up. I need to just let things take their course... and go with the flow, trusting in the Universe. I know everything happens for a reason, I just have to accept the changes and trust that it is all for the good and everything is going to be fine. It's all in the Divine's care, so why resist!? RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

I now have my answer.

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