Baba Yaga is the Russian Goddess of Change; she is an old witch... a Crone and represents life's cycle from birth to death. Her card says:
"Do not fear life's changes no matter how scary they seem."
Archangel Michael is a powerful warrior angel; by drawing this card he is telling me he is with me now to give me courage and to help release me from fear. He wants me to know that as I experience changes in life, I am safe and secure. God and the angels are with me and helping me during these difficult times. I may feel alone, but they are always with me.
Paravati is the Hindu Goddess of mountains, marriage and households. Her card signifies that my likes and dislikes have changed and that I have outgrown, or outgrowing, situations that once appealed to me. These changes are blessings in disguise and are positive developments signaling my spiritual growth. She also tells me that I may feel pushed beyond my comfort level right now as multiple levels of my life are shifting, but assures me it's all good and encourages me to let go. Her card says:
Change, change, change.... sometimes I am fine with change and can be very flexible, easily adjusting, but other times... change is scary for it pushes me beyond my comfort zone... my safe place.
Being a Codependent, these changes are R E A L L Y scary and uncomfortable. These changes are forcing me to learn to stand on my own like a big girl; this big girl is being molded into an independent woman, and that is a bit overwhelming. Yes, of course I am afraid!
Truthfully I should have been here a long time ago, and since I was unable or unwilling to step out on life's escalator to reach new levels of maturity on my own, voluntarily stepping up to plate so to speak, the Universe is now pushing me forward, kicking and screaming whether I want it or not. Life is about change, and I need to stop dragging my feet and get on with it.
Actually if I stop and think about it, I've come a long ways these past four years, so the Divine has actually provided me with stepping stones and enabled me to take this in phases.... but these phases are HUGE!
- PHASE 1. In 2006 my Dad passed away... major wake up call, that one was! Abruptly coinciding with me breaking up with my abusive long term live-in boyfriend; two major changes occurring simultaneously. These two incidents toughened me up, but honestly I was already growing up during that 6 year nightmare of a relationship; I was already being shaped into a stronger more responsible person. Losing my Dad was the bitter icing on the cake.
- PHASE 2. I invited Mom to move in with me so she could rent out the little house to help with finances. I was not prepared for what happened next. While my sister was deeply mourning Dad, she slipped into a MAJOR depression and cut herself off from the rest of us; it was during this time that Mom's health took a nose dive for the first time. I almost lost her and it scared the holy hell out of me. She went into Congestive Heart Failure and had to be intubated. I thought for sure she was going to join Dad. I was left to deal with the shock, the fear, and the heartache by myself. I had no one to turn to; no one to talk to, no one to cry with. My sister would not answer my calls or emails. It was just me and my 15 year old son... and I was trying so hard to be strong for him. We had just lost Dad... and he was VERY close to his Grandpa; he sunk into a depression as well. Mom recovered, but it was only the beginning of many such episodes. I went through it once or twice more alone, before my sister finally got help and got involved again; she ended up getting a transfer to our little town and moved in with us, and has been a great blessing. Since then, Mom has had many of the same episodes, I think December of 2010 was her eighth or ninth time being intubated... she lost her job that following January due to her health.
- PHASE 3. In April 2011 I had to move out of my long term family home, into a rental of my own so that Mom could prepare the big house for sale. After losing her job, money was quickly running out and none of us could afford the mortgage payments, utilities, nor keep up with the repairs; the house is old and in disrepair. By this time she had moved back into the little house with my sister. Moving out was another huge step for me... going out on my own, signing a Lease, establishing accounts for all my utilities. It took most my savings to pay for all the deposits. This was a major lifestyle change for my son and I... suddenly money became very tight and surviving became a struggle.
- PHASE 4. Present: the family home and property are currently on the market, and my sister is trying to relocate back to the Valley; she hates her job here and wants to transfer back to her old department... taking Mom with her; they plan on getting an apartment together down there. My home and job are here, so I will remain... with my son, at least for awhile; he is 19 and will eventually want his own place. My vehicle is not travel worthy, so if Mom runs into trouble, I have no way to get down to her... unless Deb drives all the way up here to pick me up. That idea, plus them moving away and no longer having them so close... easy to visit, or handy in case Drew or I run into trouble... well it has me a little worried. NO... it has me SCARED. During this time I am also working on my CoDA Steps, which is difficult and bringing alot of old hurts and guilt back up to the surface, and I'm struggling with depression. I am facing my shadows, and it is not pretty. Although I have been questioning on whether this process is helping me any or hurting me, these cards that I keep pulling... well, I'm thinking it is helping, I just don't recognize it much right now.
So, as you can see... Life is really pushing me out of my comfort zone... right into the twilight zone, and Life's not-so-gentle-nudges are getting closer together... which scares the hell out of me because I'm wondering what will come next, even with the Divine telling me everything is going to be ok and I am not alone. I FEEL alone, and I'm scared.