"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it is about learning to dance in the rain" (unknown)

"Without Darkness, there would be no Light" (unknown)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Been So Long...

It's been so long since I have posted anything and so much has happened... I don't even know where to start.

Hmmm well since approximately July 2010 I began studying the Correllian Tradition, First Degree as an active member of Witchschool; I am currently on Lesson 11 (12 being the final). although I don't consider myself Wiccan, I just love to learn and Witchschool has allowed me to explore & learn quite successfully. I'm almost finished with my First Degree but I don't know if I will join the tradition... although there are many similarities, I still mainly consider myself a Solitary Eclectic Witch rather than Wiccan. (I've been a practicing solitary witch for roughly 10 years or so)

Between the end of December and January my Mom lost her job due to her health problems, which although caused an initial panic, actually turned into a blessing because ever since she has been unemployed/retired she has had less stress in her life and has managed to stay out of the hospital for several months now... although it did not help financial situation and she has been struggling financially ever since, which led to her decision to put the house up for sale and me moving out in order to get the house ready for the market. However... it hasn't quite turned out as planned.

In April I moved into a small rental house... leaving my long term family home. The move came with conflicting emotions because I was sad to leave my family home, and scared to death to sign a lease, and scared that I would not be able to swing it financially.... AND IT HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE, but I love the little house and it does feel good to have my own place. As soon as I moved out my oldest son & his family ended up moving in... he lost his job too and they could no longer afford the rent where they were living. Soooo Mom has not put the house on the market yet.

Lesson 11 of my First Degree was put on hold as I began working on my shadows in July. I joined CoDa (online) in hopes that it would help me get over my bitterness towards men. After dealing with Donnie for those 6 years, along with my rotten history with relationships... although I came out of it a stronger more independent person, I also came out of it holding onto my anger and bitterness for the sake of keeping myself single and free from any future relationship. The same with my weight... I use them both as protection, and although I have recognized that it's not the healthiest way to deal with things, I chose to hold onto them anyway because they work wonderfully for me. However, I think it's time to move on. In order to completely heal and to move forward with my life, I need to put my shields away. So I turned to CoDa, and this month I also joined OE (online). I am currently on Step 8 of the 12 Steps.

In the meantime I struggle to survive (me and my youngest son) and it's been stressful, scary, frustrating, and it eventually led me to a depression. My youngest has not been able to find a job... jobs are hard to come by these days, and unfortunately he fell to a depression before I did. The combination of his depression, the money situation, fear, and my health problems... well I guess it was inevitable that I would get depressed as well. I've been doing so well with the depression thing... staying above it for 4 years now, that recognizing that I have slid back into a depression, adds to my depression. UGH, what a cycle, huh! LOL but I recognize it as temporary :)

This phase in my life IS just temporary, and I WILL get through it; I always manage to rise above the rough spots, it's just getting there that is difficult... but it WILL come. In the meantime I just have to keep living one day at a time.

Today is Aunt Jane's birthday... she passed away several years ago. I miss her so much!

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