Depression: Horror Show

Life is a horror show
with happy moments
interrupted by scary surprises
leaving you shaken and relieved
only to be slapped in the face
again and again
by a taunting clown with sharp teeth

Feeling betrayed,
frustrated and overwhelmed
your inner psyche
throws up her hands and declares
"fuck this shit"
yanking you downward
into a hellish whirlwind of doom and gloom

Able to come up for air, you
swim to safety exhausted,
laying on the rocky shore
panting, thankful its over...
Only to be fooled by an interlude of false peace,
in which respite is soon destroyed.

A monsterous spiked tentacle rises
from the depths of darkness,
grabs ahold, and flings you like the tail
in a game of Crack the Whip,
throwing you back into the whirlpool of hell,
doomed to repeat its vicious cycle
of torment

Happiness never survives...
for long
Demons and monsters await unseen
ready to pounce
like a demented horror show
that always circles back

Recipe For Disaster

Chronic reoccurring depression
Mixed with grief
Generous widespread chronic pain
Pile on multiple health issues
A splash of spontaneous frustration
2 dashes of anger, stirred well
Mix in random uncontrollable crying fits
A heap of fatigue
Large dose of Fuck This
Fold in equal portions Despair & Loneliness
Shake well and let fester

This meme... or whatever you want to call it, struck a chord on a particularly difficult day (today), but I tweaked it some, because in substituting "grief" with "depression" and adding a few extra bits, it rings even more true.

You don't get over it,
You get through it
...until you don't

It doesn't get better
It gets different
....overwhelmingly so

Everyday, just like me
depression puts on a new face
....smiling, somber, tired.... 
while slowly shattering inside

I received two more diagnoses today, nothing life threatening, mind you, but the news just hit extra hard. I think I cannot take anymore. I've come to the conclusion that I shall obstain from future medical testing, because I dont want to know any longer. Enough is enough. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. A person can only stay strong for so long before breaking, even a warrior.

Is this defeat?
Who knows.... tomorrow is a new day; maybe I'll feel better, but tonight I had to vent.

Dig Deep

One of my favorite bloggers has begun a new challenge to write about surprises that bring good things. You can find Rommy here.

I got a surprise last week, but whether or not it brings good things is still pending. I am walking the very fine line between pre-diabetes and diabetes... a one digit difference. To say that I am not thrilled to add yet another disease and/condition to my growing list, is just the tip of the iceberg.

At first, I was quite upset (to say the least) and it just added more power to this damned depression. For a little bit... I was feeling defeat, but after wallowing and silently raging, I dug deep and came out fighting some more.

Fine, I may very well be on the precipice of diabeties, but I'm going to try like hell to reverse my numbers! The fight is on, and my Muse was empowered; we wrote a poem...

When depression comes for an unwanted
extended stay and life grows ever darker
You must dig deep

When chronic health and pain
Make your days difficult to bear
You must dig deep

When restricted airways steal your breath
Making everyday tasks frustrating
You must dig deep

When you've just been diagnosed with yet
another disease (or on the cusp of)
You must dig deep

When your willing reclusive lifestyle
becomes a lonely prison
You must dig deep

When you are flat exhausted
Body, mind, and soul and you crave sleep
You must dig deep

When you think you can't deal with all of it
any longer, and you want to give up
You MUST dig deep

When life is a war
raging deep within your soul
DIG DEEP

I Am Tired

I am strong
but
I am tired
I rise each day
but
I am tired
I smile
but
I am tired
I try to stay positive
but
I am tired
I am tired of fighting depression
I am tired of fighting the chronic pain
I am tired of fighting negativity
I am tired of fighting anxiety
I am tired of fighting heartache
I am tired of fighting loneliness
I am tired of fighting to be healthy
I am tired of fighting my weight
I am tired of trying to be happy
I am tired of putting on a fake smile
I am tired of fake laughter
I am tired of trying
I am a fighter
but
I
Am
Fucking
Tired

painting by Léon Cogniet (1830)