We are a very close knit family, in fact most of my adult years were spent living right next door to my parents, until last April when Mom announced she was taking the big step of putting the house on the market; I found myself a little rental house for my son and I, and moved out with mixed emotions... glad to have a place of my very own, yet dreading the loss of our family home. Mom and my Sis are currently still living there BUT finally making the move to Phoenix where Mom will be closer to the medical care she needs as well as a lower elevation to ease her breathing, and where Deb begins her new job.
Yesterday they found an apartment in the Valley and where Deb is excited, Mom is panicking, and I am having torn feelings. I know in my gut and heart that Mom will be better off down there; it's the best thing for her health, and Deb will be happier but... I'm gonna miss my Mom!!! As soon as Deb texted me and told me they found a place, the tear works began. I have a feeling that I won't see her again... whether that's just fear or intuition, I don't know.
You see, Mom has been in bad health since Dad passed away in 2006; she has almost crossed over many times, been intubated approximately 9 times now, and scaring the bejeezus out of me each time; she may join Dad any day, and being as my vehicle is not travel worthy, I cannot travel down there to visit, nor be there should she have another episode of CHF... I'll be stranded here in town, and the thought of that upsets me, to say the least. I WANT TO BE THERE IF SOMETHING HAPPENS, and I want to be able to just visit, and Mom.... Mom wants her family around her; she's always wanted her family around her, but even more so since Dad passed over. This is hard for both of us... while Deb is on the opposite spectrum, jumping for joy.
Last night I began Positive Affirmations; and will continue them nightly, and through out the day as needed. I always fall back to my affirmations, what else can I do; this is a fact of life and I knew it was coming, but being forewarned and aware is different from experiencing it. You think you can be strong when the time comes, but then when it does you fall to pieces, you know? Yeah, that's me. I just hope I can hold it together on moving day... at least for my Mom's sake. After they are all loaded up and driving towards the highway, the hysterics can begin. Please Goddess, let me stay strong until AFTER they are headed out of town!
Moving day is mid-January, so I have a few weeks to get my emotions under control.... but then there is Christmas right smack in the middle... Please Goddess please don't let me be a blubbering idiot at Christmas!
My Mom was raised that family is EVERYTHING, that we stay tight no matter what and she passed that down to her daughters. In fact we were talking about that just the other day and she said to me: "I wonder if we're wrong; I wonder if that's our problem; maybe the other people... the ones that are distant and detached are better off than we are?"
Yeah, makes me wonder if the way we were raised instills codependency? Well, isn't that the sh*ts.
No comments:
Post a Comment