Separation Anxiety

Separation Anxiety, a developmental stage during which the child experiences anxiety when separated from the primary caregiver (usually the mother). Ok so when you think about separation anxiety, you think about preschool children and/or infants, right... or at least I do, but what if it occurs in adults? Maybe that is classified as part of Codependency???  Well whatever it is, Mom and I both are experiencing it LOL

We are a very close knit family, in fact most of my adult years were spent living right next door to my parents, until last April when Mom announced she was taking the big step of putting the house on the market; I found myself a little rental house for my son and I, and moved out with mixed emotions... glad to have a place of my very own, yet dreading the loss of our family home.  Mom and my Sis are currently still living there BUT finally making the move to Phoenix where Mom will be closer to the medical care she needs as well as a lower elevation to ease her breathing, and where Deb begins her new job.

Yesterday they found an apartment in the Valley and where Deb is excited, Mom is panicking, and I am having torn feelings. I know in my gut and heart that Mom will be better off down there; it's the best thing for her health, and Deb will be happier but... I'm gonna miss my Mom!!! As soon as Deb texted me and told me they found a place, the tear works began. I have a feeling that I won't see her again... whether that's just fear or intuition, I don't know.

You see, Mom has been in bad health since Dad passed away in 2006; she has almost crossed over many times, been intubated approximately 9 times now, and scaring the bejeezus out of me each time; she may join Dad any day, and being as my vehicle is not travel worthy, I cannot travel down there to visit, nor be there should she have another episode of CHF... I'll be stranded here in town, and the thought of that upsets me, to say the least. I WANT TO BE THERE IF SOMETHING HAPPENS, and I want to be able to just visit, and Mom.... Mom wants her family around her; she's always wanted her family around her, but even more so since Dad passed over. This is hard for both of us... while Deb is on the opposite spectrum, jumping for joy.

Last night I began Positive Affirmations; and will continue them nightly, and through out the day as needed. I always fall back to my affirmations, what else can I do; this is a fact of life and I knew it was coming, but being forewarned and aware is different from experiencing it. You think you can be strong when the time comes, but then when it does you fall to pieces, you know?  Yeah, that's me. I just hope I can hold it together on moving day... at least for my Mom's sake. After they are all loaded up and driving towards the highway, the hysterics can begin. Please Goddess, let me stay strong until AFTER they are headed out of town!

Moving day is mid-January, so I have a few weeks to get my emotions under control.... but then there is Christmas right smack in the middle... Please Goddess please don't let me be a blubbering idiot at Christmas!

My Mom was raised that family is EVERYTHING, that we stay tight no matter what and she passed that down to her daughters. In fact we were talking about that just the other day and she said to me: "I wonder if we're wrong; I wonder if that's our problem; maybe the other people... the ones that are distant and detached are better off than we are?"  

Yeah, makes me wonder if the way we were raised instills codependency? Well, isn't that the sh*ts.

Mom Update #5

My son and I spent the last 2 days in the Valley at the hospital with Mom. I got down there Monday afternoon and immediately had car problems (my sister's truck), took it to a friend who has a shop and he looked at it for me. He thinks its the Transfer Case and told me to leave it in 2 wheel drive and I should be fine... sure enough, I was fine. I originally had the truck on Auto because when we left town to go to the Valley it was snowing and raining off and on; luckily all that was over and done with on the way back today.

So Mom finally had the Angiogram yesterday and it came out negative... yay! She was supposed to be released yesterday evening but after waiting around until after 8 PM we were informed that her Internal Medicine Doctor wanted her to stay until today. Boy was she cranky!!

We ended up getting a hotel room for the night; neither of us slept very well and woke up earlier than we had planned. We stayed at Sleep Inn... had a hell of a time finding it at night; as it turned out, it was inside the area surrounding Superstition Springs Mall... couldn't see it from the street at all.  The rates were very reasonable $59.99 for a room with two double beds. The room was a little small and the bathroom was tiny, but  the beds were super soft and I fell in love with their pillows. I would have loved to sneak a couple of the pillows out to the vehicle LOL but I was a good guest and left them all in the hotel room when we left. They had a nice continental breakfast.... you could make your own waffle, yum! So I did just that.... never made a waffle before, and it was delicious!

With our stomachs full but still dragging butt, we returned to the hospital and played another round of the waiting game. The Doctor didn't even show up until sometime around Noon; he released her, but it took another hour or so before we were finally on our way back home with Mom sleeping in the back seat.

Mom is home with Deb; when we left they were going over her medications. I informed Deb that Mom had to fill her prescriptions at Wal-Mart form now on because they have a list of $4 prescriptions and they close at 5; I also reminded her that Mom needs to make an appointment with Dr. G tomorrow as well as Hospice.

Supposedly Hospice will assist in paying for her medications even though she is not a Hospice patient. Every little bit helps, and Mom is real concerned about not having the money to buy her meds now that Medicare has capped her for the remainder of the year. She has something like ten different medications she has to take for the Congestive Heart Failure, Diabetes, COPD, Kidney Disease, High Blood Pressure, and Artery Disease... poor Mom. I'm hoping she will return to a regular regimen and stay out of the hospital! AND I hope she realizes now that she cannot go without her medications (sigh). I love her, love her, lover her, but she is one hard headed woman!

Drew and I are back home and completely wiped out. I hope to sleep good tonight.... have to be at work in the morning, ready or not. I'm running out of Leave time :(

Mom Update #4

Drove down to the valley early this morning and sat with Mom all morning and into afternoon by the time the Doc that was doing the Angiogram came to see her and informed us that he didn't think it was necessary. She has fluid in her lungs so that is is first priority to get her lungs cleared up. He said her heart sounds good and her numbers are good, as is her color, and she's breathing much easier today. So they will keep her down there and watch her, and he will call Dr. G up here and if Dr. G still wants the Angiogram done, he will do it another day.

So I drove back home and went to bed and slept for a couple of hours, but still... I AM EXHAUSTED. Tomorrow is my sister's turn to go down.

As far as my sister's cyst... she finally got to talk to her Doc's nurse and they don't seem concerned about it at this point. The Doc doesn't think its the cause of her migraines... maybe because of the location? I don't know, but Deb feels relieved after speaking to the nurse, although... she is smoking again (sigh) she had stopped but I guess between Mom's problems and her scare with the cyst, she began again, dang it. She knows how it effects her asthma, and she was in the ER last week with breathing problems. Ugh!

Well Hell...

At 7:00 PM tonight Mom was loaded on an ambulance and on her way to the Valley to another hospital; she got quite upset and had to be medicated to calm down.  I will follow in the morning and hopefully I will be the for the Angiogram; I have no idea what time they are doing it... no set schedule as of tonight. I may not have an updated post for tomorrow, depends on what I end up doing tomorrow night... do I stay with my cousin or head back up the hill? Guess I will know when the time comes.

In the meantime Deb got her MRI results this afternoon and she is a bit freaked out. They did an MRI of her brain because of all her migraines... well she has a benign cyst in her brain. How do they know its benign with just an MRI? Anyway, that's all the information we have for the time being. They called to give her the results while she was with a client and could not ask any questions, etc. She tried to call the Doc back but never got through; she's hoping tomorrow.

Ever notice how everything has to fall apart all at the same time? Why is that?

Mom Update #3

I ended up crashing last night... just so tired. You know when this sort of thing happens it's emotionally draining and exhaust you physically as well... or at least it does me.  So as soon as I got to work this morning I called ICU and spoke to the nurse; Mom had a good night last night. They put her on a B-Pap and she was able to get some good rest... helps when you can breathe!  She wears a C-Pap at home and we told the them that... why do they wait so long after taking her off the ventilator before they decide, gee... she is panting, hmmm maybe we should put her on a B-Pap so she can breathe. (sigh). I will visit her at lunch today, and drop by after work tonight.

I'm concerned about her breathing because in the past, although her numbers were all good and her lungs sounded fine, she couldn't breathe well, as it turned out she had developed blood clots in her lungs. She's also had one in her heart... and she did stop taking her blood thinners, so that worries me; she may have developed more clots. I spoke to the nurse about this but she didn't seem concerned, just said Mom was doing much better since they gave her that B-Pap.

I never heard from my sister last night and I called her first thing this morning.... no answer. I left a voice mail; I'm getting quite concerned. She has missed so much work due to her depression, migraines, stomach problems, aches and pains, etc, etc. As it turns out she stayed home all day yesterday and slept all day... due to a migraine. Never called me back, never checked on Mom, missed work... GRRRR! She knows they are watching her real close and considering letting her go. I just want to shake her and drag her out of that bed!  If she loses her job her and Mom really will be up the creek without a paddle! They live together and they are already hurting financially... as am I, so I can't help them with that. I hate it!  Anyway, Deb actually called me back this morning; she's okay today, going to work and will check on Mom at lunch.

Granted, I have my issues too; I am not by any means, perfect either. I have battled depression my whole life but I have never done what Deb does.... just blow off work, family, everything and everyone and just go to bed. I understand depression very well, but I don't understand her behavior... at least I can manage to keep working. I may sleep my weekends away, but those are my days off and I can still manage to go grocery shopping, take care of the cats, keep my house mostly clean, stay on top of the laundry... but she lets it all go. I've had severe depression before. I have cut myself and contemplation suicide in the past. I was hospitalized for depression as a teenager. This has been a life long struggle for me but over the years I have learned to recognize the warning signs and how to fight it without medication. She has only had it as an adult, and she does not handle it well at all, which concerns me. I recognize that everyone deals with depression differently, but I can't help compare our differences and question her decisions and actions.  Shame on me, I know but she frustrates me. She refuses to see a Counselor and get help, and she desperately needs it!  When I get bad and can't shake it, I recognize I need help and I go to my Doctor and get help.

OK... as a recovering codependent I recognize that I have no control over other people. I have no control over Deb's (and Mom's) choices and actions. I have no control over if they choose to take their medication, or get medical help when needed, or continue to smoke even when they can't breathe. I can state my feelings, my opinions, and make suggestions, but after that, there is nothing I can do. I realize this, yet it frustrates me to no end ...I need to step back, I know this... but its so hard! I love them both so much and it hurts to see them like this.

I WANT A MAGICK WAND! I just want to wave a wand and make everything all better (sigh).


UPDATE 11:15 AM
Shoot... just received word that they are doing a CAT Scan and may transport Mom to the Valley for an Angiogram. They want to rule out blood clots, so now apparently there is a concern. The CAT Scan will determine if they will take her down to the Valley for the Angiogram.

Mom hates those Angiograms... they scare her to death from a bad experience in the past... she almost lost her leg because they clamped her artery completely shut AND they have hurt her during the procedure a few times, so now she's scared of them. It's almost lunch... will pop in and try to see her.

UPDATE 3:27 PM
Well, sometime today the hospital is transporting Mom to the Valley for the Angiogram, but most likely the procedure will be scheduled tomorrow. They are suppose to call either my sister or I and let us know when they are moving her and to where.

Mom Update #2

I stopped by and saw Mom after work today; she was sitting up in bed with 3 cups of fluid on the tray in front of her, one was coffee, some water, and another coffee cup... I think it was broth, and she had an empty jello container too; it was sure glad to see. She's talking easier and she's voicing her frustrations with Medicare, etc... definitely a sign she is feeling better. Feisty is good right now, although I was afraid she was going to get herself all worked up, which is not a good thing right now.

I didn't stay very long... I'm wiped, I really am, and I have to keep working, so I can't wear myself down; tomorrow is my Friday though so I can spend more time with her soon.  She is having some problem breathing which concerns me. They are giving her breathing treatments and have reassured her she is fine, yet she is almost panting. I don't like it. My sister should be with her right now... but she's not answering her phone... she might have it off or on vibrate and can't hear it. I'm sitting here debating what the heck to do... go back to the hospital? Drive by the house? Get some rest?

Mom Update #1

I went to work today... running out of Leave time and I need to take my son to the Valley one day next week, so today I went tot work; however I did go check on her at lunch time. They just finished taking her off the ventilator when I showed up so she was awake and talking (quietly); her throat and chest were hurting her a bit from pulling out that tube. I was told that she did have a heart attack, but a small one and there was no significant damage to her heart this time. So we chatted for a little bit before I left to grab lunch and head back to work.

Medicare capped her and stopped paying for her meds for the rest of this year, so she got frustrated and quit taking ALL of her medications... blood thinner, blood pressure, insulin, EVERYTHING, and that is what triggered this go round (sigh). You can imagine how frustrated I am!  What was she thinking! She could have died, or had a stroke, etc.... seriously, that was a R E A L L Y dumb decision on her part. I can understand her frustration but she still had some medications at home, so why didn't she keep taking those? UGH!

Love her, love her, love her, but she frustrates me... pay backs are a b#tch I suppose, but damn it, she needs to stop and think about the damage she is doing to her body every time she pulls this crap!

Samhain/Halloween Night

As it turned out, I didn't get many trick-or-treaters at my house, I had two plus my grandkids, so I have tons of candy left over LOL.  I watched a scary movie, fell asleep on the couch, picked up my son from work, and did a reading before bed... but as it turned out, there was no bedtime for me that night.

My Grandkids...

Becca, Monarch Butterfly

 Kaden, Gorilla

Shyla, Witch

Reading

I drew my circle, called the Quarters, the Lady and her Lord, and my ancestors (passed loved ones, and my Celtic ancestors) before I began shuffling. I welcomed them and asked for their protection, wisdom, and the ability to receive and understand their messages to me, then proceeded with the shuffling and cutting of the cards; I drew the following:

(1) Me: Death (Change) I am experiencing Change in my life

(2) Crossing Me: Seven of Swords (Diplomacy) I will need help to deal with a situation

(3) Present: Page of Wands (Potential) There is a spark of light in the darkness... there is hope

(4) Root of the Matter: Four of Cups (R) (Discontent) I have been fighting depression

(5) Past Influence: Four of Wands (R) (Development) this urges me to not give up, things are still developing and will be ok

(6) Future Influence: Five of Swords (Defeat) This tells me I need to accept my limitations, and to assess the situation before moving forward.

(7) My Attitude/View: Four of Swords (Rest) I have been experiencing a reprieve from the depression and life has been pretty quiet... the calm before the storm, as I see it. (of course this was before the phone call) I just blogged about this very subject a few days ago!

(8) Other's View Regarding the Situation: Sacrifice I need to accept that all things change and something has to leave my life for something else to enter.

(9) My Hopes/Fears: Four of Discs (R) (Manifestation) my refusing to let go of the past and my fear of the future keep me from moving forward.

(10) Outcome:  Nine of Swords (R) (Suffering) If things stay on this path I will experience a mental breakdown/depression... a magnitude of loss... something is going to shake my world. This card says I may need help from a counselor/therapist to help me move through it, so it may be a doozy.

What I got from this reading is changes... something that will shake my world. The first thing that came to mind was Mom; she's had major health issues for 5 years now. Notice all the Fours; every suit represented by Fours. Fours represent Change. If you read all my recent posts concerning pulling Oracle Cards, they all relate to change. I'm about to experience a major turning point in my life and according to this Reading, it's going to cause me distress.

I kid you not, within five minutes of writing the cards down in my journal, I got a phone call from my sister telling me she just called 911 on Mom, so it was off to the Emergency Room for me, where I spent the night sitting with Mom. They intubated her; the diagnosis last night was Diabetic Keto Acidosis which caused respiratory failure, but no signs of a heart attack, and her lungs looked clear. 

After returning home at 5 A.M., I slept for most the day, then went back to the hospital to check on her. At some point today her heart enzymes increased so they did an echo cardiogram and x-ray, but we won't know the results until tomorrow. I didn't stay very long with her today because I'm exhausted; she's still intubated and appears to be resting peacefully, but she is sedated; her numbers looked pretty good when I left.

So... it begins.